electronic brain surgery since 2001

an explanation?

There are a few people out there who know me but don't understand what's going on. This text is for them or maybe it's only for me. However I'm writing in english because sometimes it's easyier for me to express my self with a limited vocabulary. I will not use any names here. People who know me know who I am talking about and everyone else doesn't need names to understand.

So what happend? Well basically I left my girfriend after 5 and a half years. Well it wasn't unforseeable. We both felt (I believe) the feelings went low the last months. So when I broke off she didn't even ask why, we said we want to stay friends and we both meant it. I for sure did. The story could end here but it didn't. As real life goes everything is always much more complicated.

Remember she didn't ask why I broke up. Well of course there was a reason for me. I slowly fell in love with another girl which we both knew for nearly as long as we have known each other and who was a very close friend of us both. The bad thing is that I didn't realized I'm in love with her for some time because we have always been close but only in a friends way. But this closeness was often enough the source of some jealousy in the relationship which I always carelessly swept away. Well when I realized what I feel for that other girl the

ongoing relationship with my girlfriend for who I still cared (still do) became a pressure to me of which I finally escaped by breaking up. But I never dared to talk to her about my feelings.

But I did talk to the girl who seemed to share my feelings. But she denied them, she told me she doesn't want a relationship with me and that was what she believed. You can imagine how I felt. I didn't regret the break up as I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was depressed. Of course I wasn't the only one. My now exgirlfriend was down, too. Because she still missed me, well and I wasn't able to tell her anything. I couldn't tell her that I wasn't depressed because of her but because my love has been rejected by another girl. By a girl she was a close friend of. How could I do that? So I remained silent.

You think two of three is a lot of depressed people? Well it goes on. Meanwhile the other girl started to think about her answer and wasn't sure anymore if her headbased answer was right because her heart told her another story. This went on for two days. Then - to make this shakespearian drama short - we met for a walk as friends but came home as lovers.

But now I had to explain this to my girlfriend and I knew this would break her heart. I didn't know how to do this. All this feelingsstuff is hard for me but talking about it is much harder. So I didn't say anything for a few days. I even went to a party with her which was fun because it felt like we could really stay friends. But I still hadn't told it to her. Finally the next day I phoned her. I'm not sure if I intended to tell her on that call but I did. I still wish I had visited her for this but I don't know if that would have changed anything.

It hurt her so much. And I'm not able to explain anything to her. I whish I could do anything. There is nothing but hate in her for me now which makes me so sad. But I can't change anything and even if I could go back I'm still not

sure what and how I could change it without denying my feelings for the girl I love now.

I just read this again and I'm not sure if it is what I wanted to say but it is all I'm able to say right now.